||[Sep. 6th, 2005|03:18 pm]
|||||making up cheesy songs in my head....||]|
I do not seemto be a frequent writer in here lately. I don't feel all that interesting to spread my thoughts about. I am done with school. I think I am sad about that. Kinda lonely. I realize that it is different that me just coming back once in a while and my friends all have lives and I don't know where mine is, SO... I have this weird paranoia about intuding in on other's lives. I havent been home for the fall in 5 years. I don't know what I am going to make of it. I live visiting on the weekends. There is something in the fall air that makes me think. I don't know if its the death around me or the anticipation, but I always seem to value life a little more in autumn. I spend time reflecting and wishing and really looking at things around me. I am excited to be around that here again. I am afraid I will lose my ambitions. I haven't painted all summer. It is also strange how coming home does that to you. I get so caught up in things that I don't give my self time to do what I really want. I dont mean to sound pathetic, andI am definitely not pittying myself for choosing to become distracted, I just don't know where to go with myself. I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that I am a dreamer. I hate restraint, but yet I feel like I cover myself in it at times. I want so much but am too scared to go out there and get it. For some reason I love it here, but I feel like I will be copping out if I don't move around. I don't want to have regrets, but I feel like any choice I make could leave me with those at some point. People ask me all the time what I am going to do. I don't know. When asked whatI want to do, I am not even honest. I have no idea why, but I get embarassed to tell others my dreams because they do not include getting an suv and house with my awesome office job or whatever....but if I don't live up to what I have setin my head, I will feel like a failure and surely will fall into one of the things that I tell others. So, I tell people my back-up plan when they want toknow what I want to do. ITs safe, secure, sounds smart, still a little interesting, and gets me a proud pat on the head. I still feel guilty when I do it. Probably becuase it is one of the things that I constantly say I don't want to do, but have to put on the face for those certain people. I AM PRETTY DAMN PATHETIC. I have 3 degrees, (after this one stupid class, but I did commencement so whatever). I am 23. I have always settled for what people nudge me into. THe smart choice was to go to Luther...a big fish in a small school....rather than the other way around, right? bull. But I loved it there. My question is when do I start making my life for me? and how does one even begin to do that when there is just soo much clutter in the way?